Roberto Mancini: is he ready to take his elaborately coifed barnet to Upton Park. Photograph: Alessandro Bianchi/Reuters
Slaven Bilic is the hot favourite to take over as the next West Ham manager.
Slaven Bilic has ruled himself out of the race to become the next West Ham manager.
Harry Redknapp is the man the top brass at Upton Park want to be the next West Ham manager.
Harry Redknapp is oh-so-happy at Portsmouth and does not want to be the next West Ham manager.
Tony Adams isn't quite so happy at Portsmouth and he's as short as 16-1 with the bookies to become the next West Ham manager.
Davide Ballardini is a tough-as-old-boots former Cagliari coach and is Hammers' technical director Gianluca Nani's choice as the next West Ham manager.
Pierpaolo Bisoli may have only managed a village under-12s side somewhere in Tuscany but he's has been identified by Nani as the next West Ham manager.
Paolo Di Canio loves West Ham with all his heart, both lungs and one of his kidneys. He's a shock contender to be the next West Ham manager.
Roberto Mancini doesn't love West Ham with any vital organs. In fact, he may never have heard of them. But he's got three Serie A trophies on his CV, he's as Italian as pappa al pomodoro, so he's in the running to become the next West Ham manager.
Sam Allardyce isn't Italian but he once ate out at Pizza Express and he's still among the favourites to be the next West Ham manager.
Avram Grant has more points to prove than a baker of conical bread and is desperate show them all, show them all I tells yer, by becoming the next West Ham manager.
Sven-Goran Eriksson has got more Italian connections than Milan train station, so he's on the radar to become the next West Ham manager.
Stuart Pearce once played for West Ham, he's in charge of a football team, so he's among the frontrunners in the race to be the next West Ham manager.
Louis van Gaal is always linked with jobs in the Premier League. That's why he's one of the candidates to become the next West Ham manager.
In other West Ham news, the Sun reports that two senior Hammers players had a "bitter fight" after the 4-1 win over Blackburn. Sources suggest several pints of Pedigree, half a Ringwood's Boondoggle and three bottles of Old Speckled Hen were wasted in the battle. Those dressing-room rumbles will have to be sorted out by the next West Ham manager.
Up in the north-east, where no one cares who'll be the next West Ham manager, Newcastle is revolting [insert your own gag here]. Angry Toon players have threatened chaos at St James' Park if Kevin Keegan leaves. Senior players are set to "confront the club's hierarchy". Some may even use nasty words to express their feelings. Then they'll all get on with it, just as usual.
If Keegan does end up out on his ear, then Alan Shearer is ready to step up to the plate. Yes, he'll be dusting himself down, taking a deep breath, and resting his buttocks on one of the most demanding hotseats in football – the one opposite Jake Humphries on Football Focus. He'll be telling Jake just what he thinks of the appointment of Real Zaragoza's Marcelino as the new Newcastle manager.
Keegan, though, has issued an ultimatum – he wants Dennis Wise sacked, he wants generic 1980s cop-show villain Tony Jimenez sacked and he wants complete control of all transfers and contract negotiations. It's that or he's walking. Just in time to become the next West Ham manager.
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